Divided by dogs

I was chatting to a friend of my daughter’s today about canine companions. Every year she asks for a dog for Christmas and it doesn’t happen. The family have a huuuge house, an even bigger garden, access to miles of common land and, get this, the parents don’t even work they just have hobbies to keep them occupied (oh how the other half live). They have a pristine kitchen and I can’t imaging muddy paw prints adorning the floors going down too well. I posed the question, “If you could have any dog what breed would it be?” – “I don’t care” she said I just want one. My adult friend (who nannys for the family) interjected, “Oh, knowing the dad it would have to be the token black lab”. Isn’t it great that social climbing even filters down to the type of dog you have. The snobbery scale reads a bit like this:

Veaary, veaary posh in the city – chiuahua or Saluki or an equally obscure breed that has been so ‘well bred’ it is just about passes for a dog.

Raary, Rarry posh in the country – Labradors are soooo last year darling. Cockerpoodles are in (cocker cross spaniel), border terriers, red setters, flat coated retrievers – anything that looks good in front of an aga but with a rugged edge and wouldn’t look amiss in a gundog class (although won’t necessarily be anywhere near a shoot for the rest of its life but is great for networking).

Wannabe Raas – well keeping up with the Joneses is tough so best go for a safe option that will approve such as a Black Labrador or a Yellow Labrador or maybe Chocolate? Whatever it is it has to be a proper dog not some silly sized apology for a dog. Labs look good in 4 x 4s and on those posh green slip rope things with brass hoops. Also matches the Barbour and Dubarry range of clothing and footwear.

2.4 children – got to be something that is good with kids (and entertaining) but wont take up too much room in the car or house so a terrier of some description, like a jack russell or a cocker spaniel. Must be good at fetch and not need too much walking.

Wannabe hard-nuts who hide behind their dog’s image – mainly staffies, rottweilers, dobermans, alsatians and other breeds that should only be with owners who a) know the breed b) are good at dog training and c) don’t  mind walking the dog occasionally and picking up their shit (unfortunately most of the hard-nut types who are often drawn to these breeds are completely unable to do any of these things). That is why, sadly a lot of these breeds, particularly staffies, end up in rescue homes.

I cant stand people who choose a dog merely because of how fashionable the breed is – what twats. They then scratch their head with “what’s going on here” written all over their chevy chase when the dog is running circles around them and they dont know how to control it. As a small dog owner I find it irritating when people select bigger dogs because they are real dogs – does that work the same for humans. Are you only a real person once you exceed a certain height. Could this also be true of the male genitalia? Oh sorry I forgot, sometimes dogs are used to make-up for humans lacking in certain areas…..bit like 4x4s that aren’t muddy and have no tow-hitch.

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Thanks for reading.


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