I’m feeling sad and I don’t know why.
I am sitting in the garden on a glorious day. Cloudless blue sky, soft gentle breeze, warm but not hot, birds and butterflies flitting about – perfect. I have just been told my baby boy has been given the all clear by the cardiac consultant – I knew he was fine but I’m glad he has finally been discharged. After my baby being poked and prodded for the last time (he was such an angel and endured it with a smile) I met up with my friend since schooldays for lunch.
But something has changed between us. Something so subtle that it can’t be discussed or explained. We find things to talk about but it no longer comes naturally any more. So keen am I to try and improve things that I am thinking what we can talk about that will switch the old best buddies magic on again. Its difficult to describe the feeling that I am hunting for. But something more than that of acquaintance making small talk. I want us to be kindred spirits again. But something has definitely gone from our friendship. I am hoping it is temporary…
I worry its just me. Throughout my life I have asked too much of my friends. Wanted them to be there when they were not. That’s the difference between friends and family. Most family members are always there in the background but I find friends come and go. Friends are also a bit like a drug after you first meet and the friendship blossoms you are then forever chasing that first giddy ‘hit’ when you initially discovered you both had so much in common. Then life’s problems hit and you try to be there but its never the same.
I think I ask too much of my friends. Someone once told me that children who have no siblings (like me) are always on the search for their surrogate sister or brother and that is my problem. I adored my friends when I was younger they gave me respite from my parent’s break-up and my mother’s relationships with other men. They introduced me to their world and showed me a different way of life. I didn’t have to rely on my imagination alone when I was with friends. I was always more comfortable with one or two friends then a large group because I craved the in-depth relationship. I found having too many friends was just too superficial for me I couldn’t get to really know them. It sounds a bit sad in a geeky kind of way. However I was a confident kid on the whole.
As an adult I am really not very good with my own company. I think that must come partly from being an ‘only’. I like interaction with others but not just anyone – people I know really really well. I used to have a good friendship thing going with my own mother but time has faded that now and it doesn’t help that she is in Spain most of the year. The mother/ daughter chat isn’t as good on Skype.
I don’t want to mope, I just want to reflect on what I have discovered is a side effect of being an ‘only’.
But the real test of happiness is this scenario – look around you, if your life was taken away now would you be happy with where you had got to in life? I am not talking about achievements I am talking about levels of happiness and right now I would say yes and I hope my friends and family would say the same.
If you have read this and answered no – then figure out what is bringing you down and change it NOW!
xx Please donate to my Unicef page if you enjoyed this post. I am blogging every day of my life to raise money for Unicef.