Sacrifice

It’s incredibly hard to experience marriage problems. When you are staring marriage failure in the face you swing from mourning to thinking positively about life without the other person.

To survive you have a malleable mindset that accepts whatever course life throws at you. In my case I have a husband who is depressed, probably has ADHD and is completely emotionally reliant on me.

its draining. To think I have been with him since my late teens, coped to date, then his depression gets acute and my tolerance level sinks to zero.

The atmosphere in the house is so bad, my daughter said she would rather stay at school than come home.

The worst thing is I don’t know what’s worse, ignoring each other because we can’t resolve things or pretending that things have been resolved.

Are we trapped, will we eventually be happy. Only time will tell but I a, not convinced.

i haven’t been blogging for a while now because of what’s been going on.

positives in life are in our children. My daughter was voted house captain at her school and my son seems to like school – apparently the puddings at school come with toys and he gets to fly helicopters. I’ve also discovered as well as a vivid imagination his memory is pretty good too – if his letters and phonics progress is anything to go by.

This blog is for UNICEF – protecting children worldwide.

TFR.

A mayday marriage

The end of this week marks the 11th anniversary of our wedding – Mayday. My mum joked it was ‘mayday’ as in the distress signal, there have been plenty of times when that has been true in our marriage and, I’m sure, plenty of times still to come. But there exists a magnetic pull between us that doesn’t seem to break no matter what the stress. Maybe it is because we have been together so long we wouldn’t know how to live any other life, or we have grown up from our late teens together and this shared ageing process is in itself a bond. I just think it’s love and that it really does ‘conquer all’ -the rough, the smooth, the upsets, disappointments, hopes, arguments, dreams, ambitions, compromises, career changes, despair, delight, depression and elation.

If we had to live rough tomorrow and start our lives over we would go through that together, we’d argue about it lots, but we’d still stick it out.

It’s something my parents had but lost sight of (alcohol not helping the situation) so I am just so thankful that I have been lucky enough to experience such a bond for however long it lasts.

Eleven years married, eighteen years together, but I’m not counting, just enjoying (and occasionally tolerating) the ride.

This blog is for UNICEF

Thanks for reading. 

Motivating a mule, marvelling at Mazda

Still struggling with the education battle. I want to look round an alternative school, hubby doesn’t. I wonder what it will take for him to consider other options, it’s got to the stage where I am actually willing bad shit to happen at the school to prompt him to grant his permission. I mentioned this to Mum and she commented that I was not the only woman in history that thinks up an idea and then has to wait for the man to adopt and claim the idea as his own before proceeding further, until then they are as stubborn as a mule with its feet set in concrete…..gaa! why do we have to dance to these male tunes all the time – drives me crazy ( and is very bad for my libido). I am one week away from growing armpit hair and burning my tiny bras – although not sure what that would achieve, but you get my drift.

As usual I am seeking solace in a book, this time it is a chance discovery in the school pta shed (I claimed it as a perk of volunteering – so did baby boy, who found a Boeing 737 toy going spare). The book is called ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. It has sold over 6 million copies and is recommended by critics and celebs alike. Although sometimes I want to slap the author round the face and say ‘pull yourself together!’, I enjoy reading her travelling experiences (particularly as I am not well travelled) and the times when she broke down in tears on the bathroom floor (because it’s nice to know you are not the only one who loses it…..except I like to be in a slightly comfier situation). So if you want to read how one woman heals her wounded soul from the dents absorbed by pressured western life and a series of less than ideal relationships, then look no further.

If an alien had looked at our school this morning, it would have seen all the children and teachers looking up at the sky as if searching for something while clutching taped together cereal packets. After a few minutes of this, everyone walked back into the classroom – very bizarre behaviour indeed! The only way I knew something had happened was when my car lights automatically switched on as they would at dusk. While pupils were measuring temperature drops and deciphering bird movements, my good old Mazda was proof the eclipse had happened despite the sky being as thick as pea soup in clouds.

This blog is for UNICEF.

Thanks for reading.

The eclipse – how to improvise this phenomenon by a 9 year old

Ok yesterday’s post was heavy, but I am pleased to report that I have told my hubby that I applied to be a social worker and he didn’t baulk at the idea (especially when I told him the childcare costs would at least be covered….and maybe some groceries). My mother in law on the other hand didn’t seem to restrain her feelings. When I told her over the phone, there was a pause then she commented that she had always thought my sister in law would have made a good social worker (and she didn’t add the word ‘too’ afterwards). I consoled myself by realising that my mother in law doesn’t really know me, she only knows that I am able to love her son (although she confesses if he had been first born she wouldn’t have had any more children) and that I am able to have babies quite quickly ( not the conception part, rather rubbish at that, but the labour part – my daughter was four hours and my son was two – he came out so quick his eyes were bloodshot). 

Anyway, It’s the eclipse tomorrow and everyone is getting geared up at school for a glimpse in the playground. My daughter was asked to make a viewer from a cereal box (we don’t have cereal so I actually went out and bought cereal for this very purpose). After extracting the weetabixes, she set to work. Lots of cutting and tape ripping ensued before I went in to check how she was doing and found her ‘testing’ the viewer by standing on a stool holding a tennis ball up to the ceiling light…’it works’ she said. I just hope the clouds clear for tomorrow.

She then did a demonstration of the process of the eclipse for me and baby boy. She used a large round cushion to represent the sun and chose a tennis ball for the earth, much to the amusement of my Jack Russell, who kept chasing the ‘Earth’ while it was in orbit of the cushion. I was laughing and so was baby boy as my daughter got very cross with the JR as she tried to extract ‘Earth’ from the dog’s mouth. So she gave up the idea and used us instead. I was the sun, baby boy was the moon and she was earth, except the moon was rather too close to the sun and after a while got bored of going round and round. 

This blog is for UNICEF.

Thanks for reading.

Getting on with it

I was up until nearly 1am last night applying for the opportunity to train as a social worker and fulfil an ambition that I have held now for a number of years but have not been in a financial position to take the plunge. Hence my lack of blog post last night so another £1 in the pot to Unicef.

The training is part of the Step Up to Social Work programme funded by Central Governmet. In addition to funding the course, funding is also provided to cover living costs, which is a relief as it means I wont havetoworry about chidcare.It is a full-time course over 14 months, so intensive an , for me, exciting. However, I have just secured a fixed tem contract in my current career, whichwill begreat for th time being but I know it is a means to an end, which is a relief. That is, of course, that my application is accepted and that I pass the assessment tests.

Some members of my fammily dont believe I am cut ot for it. In many ways this makes me more determined, but I will leave it to the professionals to decide whether I would be any good at it or not. For now it lies as desire within me to make a difference to the most vulnerable children in our society.

My husband is exhausted from his current job and the commuting he is doing so isnt in the right frame of mind to discuss anything. I broached the subject of moving our daughter to another school if her learning continued to deterioriate and he completey brick-walled the idea for no sensible reason other than he was narked that I had looked into the options without consulting with him first. I figured he was too busy and to get involved in research on education so I did the initial work myself. Aparently that was the worn thing to do.

So exhausted from an argument, I cried and cried,, wondering what I had to do to make life a little easier for him so that he wouldnt be so tense every night so that I was not abe to raise any issue of concern for fear of arguments.

Then I got the email that the social work training programme was now accepting applications. So I was glad to put down the pillow I was burying my head in and just got on with it.

Thats the only way to live life.

This blog is for Unicef.

Thanks for reading.

Love and the eonomy

My apologies for the missing posts over the past two eves. I was enjoying an M&S ‘dine out for two’ early valentines meal on Friday and felt I needed to enjoy time talking to my husband as we had to make up for some lost time (plus my daughter was back late from youth club because I got the pick-up time wrong and my hubby, who was picking her up, didnt leave on time).

Then it was my fantastic father’s wedding on valentine’s day. It was a very emotional day and it has been rare in my life that I felt my Dad needed a cuddle, but, as he contemplated walking up the aisle while I was fiddling with my button-hole, his questions about whether I was alright were my cue to give my Dad a big hug and tell him how happy I was for him. I shed a tear or two at their vows and it was lovely to watch them do the first dance. My Dad is getting soppy in his old age and it is wonderful to see. I also got some fantastic film of my baby boy and daughter dancing together to 50s, 60s and 70s hits with as much gusto as they would dance to current chart hits.

It doesnt matter how old you are, love is still brand new when you find it.

Dad toasted to everyone’s future in his speech and my hubby talked about my Dad and Stepmum as ‘lifelong companions’. I really hope that remains for as long as possible. They will now embark on a month long cruise of Australia, Indonesia and New Zealand – a trip of a lifetime that they deserve.

To finish this blog, with a nod to the future, I would encourage anyone concerned about the future of the UK economy to read this relatively straightforward essay by an Oxford Economics Professor on what should be done going forward forthe health of the economy – a must read regardless of your politics – particularly if you, like me, have relied on media reports as the main information source on the economy read – http://www.lrb.co.uk/v37/n04/simon-wren-lewis/the-austerity-con

This blog is for Unicef.

Thanks for reading.

Inappropriate wedding music

My apologies I have missed two blog posts. I have been otherwise engaged with a job application and the subject of today’s blog, wedding music.

My wonderful dad is getting married this valentine’s day to a lady I have called Stepmum for years as they have been together for years and it was easier to assume marriage and call her my stepmum. So my Dad decided to make an honest woman of her (finally) and after proposing to her on the beach at Galway Bay, Ireland (he got down on one knee bless him), they made plans for the big wedding. My three year old son will be page boy, my daughter a bridesmaid and my husband the best man.

So while my husband plans his speech, I ticked off one big thing my dad had tasked me with – uploading the music to my phone for the ceremony.

My Dad is a big tease. He has teased me all my life. In fact, he has gone out of his way to make me squirm and wind me up (I take this as an endearing quality of his). For example, when I was 6 I had to perform a prominent role in a school play. He made sure he got a front row seat and then proceeded to pull faces at me through the entire performance to put me off my lines.

So, when he assigned me the task of downloading the music, I was extremely tempted to come up with an alternative playlist. In fact if my husband hadnt stopped me, I probably would have done.

I was particularly keen on interrupting Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’, used at the Royal Wedding with Guns N Roses’ ‘U could be mine’. Heavy metal guitar followed by the lines, ‘I’m a cold heartbreaker, fit to burn and I’ll rip your heart in two and I’ll leave you lying on the bed’. ….Great way to start married life..

I’ll think it….but I won’t do it…..promise…..but if someone donates money to Unicef, I can be convinced…

This blog is for Unicef.

Thanks for reading.

A womans job…

So have just been offered an interview with my old job from a decade ago, but now with more responsibility and more money. I have to go for it for the sake of my marriage health and our financial health but it saddens me that I will have to miss out on two full weekdays at home with my son together with the ‘top and tail’ hours I get either side of pre-school. In life, particularly with children, time is precious and in the early years especially because it doesnt take long for them to lose that innocence and morph into a streetwise, wise-cracking teen-like character overnight.

He has another year and a half to go before school so still quite a chunk of time to miss out on.

I remember when I returned to work when he was 9 months and crying as I handed him over to the nursery.He was fine, it was just me. Mums work regardless, its when they do the other less important work that brings in the money that emotional attachments, responsibilities and duties are maxed to the limit. Female emancipation means just doing more and more. A friend once said her brain can only hold the equivalent of an armful’s clutch of laundry and that a few dropped socks are inevitable if you get too ambitious. I can relate to the dropped socks.

My mum recently gave me a mug with the words ‘ a woman’s work is never done so why start’?

This blog is for Unicef. Thanks for reading.

Soul searching online

So, I am glad to report that this is what I sent to my Mum in Spain tonight…..

After 11 days of contemplating life without each other hubby and I have finally sorted things out. He and I both apologised but he was very apologetic about my birthday and he was so upset about me not being back to celebrate with him that his feelings came out in all the wrong way. He made it up to me by going for a lovely family meal together at a lovely Italian restaurant. He was also very honest about his feelings and said that life would be awful without me (which is nice to know). We also talked about careers and he is supportive of what I want to do with social work. However, I feel that the strain of a single income is what got us here in the first place, so I am now actively pursuing a full-time job in the meantime. When I get the information about applying for the SW course next year, we will assess it and see if we can afford to progress with it. The only downside is I think it is a full-time course so I wont be able to earn until 2017. No point worrying whether it will happen or not – just going to let fate take its course.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that we are a team again. In a way, although it was a horrible experience, I am glad it happened because it made us both realise things about oneanother that may have got lost somewhere between looking after children and bringing in the money.

Also, when I start full-time work, it is going to put us in a very tricky situation with the dogs. As much as it is upsetting to have to think about it, I think re-homing both of them will be the only option.

-Ends-

It is very special to be able to communicate with your Mum, regardless of age, time etc, their views and advice still count. I have a friend who lost her Mum to cancer a few years ago – she still emails her about her day and any issues that arise – although there is never a response, just typing a message to her, wherever she is, is soothing for the soul.

This blog is for Unicef. Thanks for reading.

Tulips and Gerberas

I have just finished an excellent book on my kindle called The Language of Flowers , I will never look at a yellow rose or a basil leaf or a sunflower or a clematis in the same way again.

The book uses flowers to describe the emotional journey the lead character goes through as she battles her nemesis – attachment disorder. The horticultural vocabulary is based on the translations of the victorian era, some of the descriptions are very victoriana in their composition.

I was relieved to see at the end of the book there was a flower dictionary and I hastily looked up my Dad and Stepmum’s main flower for their forthcoming wedding and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the words next to Tulip read ‘declaration of love’. Phew!

I then looked up the main flower at our wedding 10 years ago, the gerbera, which simply said ‘cheerfulness’. I need a truck load of gerberas at the moment in our relationship because it is anything but…..

This blog is for Unicef.

Thanks for reading.